When love gets tough: LDR and long-term relationships

So one time, I had so much fun answering questions from some Instagram friends and followers all about L-O-V-E. Most of the questions were about Long Distance Relationships (LDR) so I thought I should write a post about my thoughts on it. And since it's our anniversary month, I feel like I should also talk about surviving a long-term relationship. Relationships can really go through some challenging and confusing times.

1. Unsaon pag last sa LDR? (How do you make a Long Distance Relationship last?)

Most of the time, people go into LDRs because of work or school. And there's nothing wrong with that if you both need it to build a better life together in the future. It's harder but then it also helps build trust and independence.

It's easy to trust someone when you're always together. For me, the real test is whether the person remains faithful despite being apart.

So first things first, be with a man whom you're sure would be busy chasing his dreams rather than chasing other girls or fooling around wasting his time. A mature man who loves you enough wouldn't have time to play around because he's focusing his time on making himself better.

LDR is not for the weak and it requires a certain level of maturity for it to work.

If you feel like you'll be constantly checking on him while you're away, then don't bother hoping that you can make your LDR last. Leave the "babysitting" to someone else.

It also builds independence. You also have to know whether you're ready to be doing things on your own. You're probably used to having someone to share lunch or dinner with, watch a movie with, or have someone pick you up or help you with bringing your groceries. Being in a LDR would sometimes mean being alone and not having someone to be around when you need help or company. So it tests whether you're really the strong, independent woman that you say you are!

It's really all about give and take plus a huge amount of understanding and patience. No excuses. Both of you have to put in the work (ex. travelling to visit, free your time for call/video calls). You need to make the most out the time that you can squeeze in just to catch up on each other.

Communication is very important. Speak up, talk, be open and honest because you don't have the luxury of reading body language or feeling the energy from the other person just like when you're sitting beside each other or actually being in front of each other.

Remind yourself that it's just as hard for the other person to be away from you. So don't be too hard on your partner and expect him/her to do some mind reading.

But to be honest, we only lasted for a year or two being in a long distance set-up because for me there's just no substitute for someone's actual presence and being able to really see each other daily. We had the opportunity to be together in one place so we took that chance.

2. How did you survive a long-term relationship?

This one is a much harder question for me because I really think that no matter how much you've poured into the current relationship, the future still holds so many uncertainties. But then again two of the most important things to consider is (1) the kind of man you're dating and (2) what's your common denominator (aka standard/guidance).

No matter how much patience or understanding you're willing to give, if you're dating a guy who's constantly hurting you or keeps you in this toxic environment, you're really better off just letting it go. Why would you even want to keep going when the relationship itself isn't healthy? And a guy who's also emotionally passive, demotivated, or lacks a sense of direction, isn't great material for a long-term partner either. If he keeps on confusing you or he isn't consistent with his behavior, then save yourself and might as well be on your own.

A right partner is someone who is mature and ready the moment you meet. He won't necessarily be successful or getting the best out of life. But he's someone who won't need babysitting, he won't need constant reminders on how to act or how to treat a woman right, because he already knows. He might even be the one to guide you and support you in being a better woman yourself.

Surviving a long-term relationship means you both have to patient, understanding, forgiving, supportive, level-headed, honest, appreciative, and the list goes on. Let me put the emphasis that you both should practice these traits. Avoid the mentality that your guy should be this, he should be doing this and that for me, and all other "standards" that social media may be putting out there. Enjoy each other's company and do your own thing.

Lastly, you both should have a guiding map. A place you can both run back to when things get really, really tough. No relationship is exempted from being tested and it can get confusing and painful at times. Disagreements can easily break out when you're not being on "the same page".

For us, it's really by living and reflecting always on God's word, that we are guided on what to do and how to act in difficult situations.

Ever since we placed God at the center of our lives, and not just our relationship, everything is just always put into perspective. We freed ourselves from anything that could cause our relationship to go wrong-- be it our insecurities, guilt, anger, doubtfulness-- all those things. Our validation and our worth was in Christ and not even from each other.

When you're both looking at things from the same perspective, and you both have a way of life that is bounded on a strong foundation, you'll really be able to keep going through even the toughest times. You'll be more than just romantic partners, or business partners (as we are), but you'll also be each other's spiritual partner-- loving, encouraging and even correcting each other when the situation calls for it.

I'm really no expert and we certainly still have a long way to go. But then these advice that I'm sharing are also just some that I got from other people too. And another important lesson I also have is that we should also be open to listen to other people even when it sounds like it's a criticism or a negative feedback. Who knows what good thing we might be able to get from what they have to say. So last advice: learn to open your heart and listen.

That's it!

Love, 

Lora 😘