Overcoming Grief: Thoughts and lessons from losing my dad

When my dad died, I told myself that it'll probably take me a year or so before I could openly talk about it and share my thoughts on how it feels to lose a parent. And now after a year has passed, I feel like I should share the realizations and lessons that I got from this chapter of my life.

That's my dad. Always ready for an #ootd photo just like me.

Losing a parent is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced. It was all the more painful to me, as I was such a daddy's girl. Anybody who knows me well enough would also know how attached I am to my dad and how we are so much alike. It felt like losing your father and best friend at the same time.

Weeks before his passing, the days were unusually quiet and peaceful. Everything looked perfect and there was nothing more anyone could ask for. But life has its way of stirring things up. And on the dawn of Sept. 7, 2017, I got a call saying that he's gone. Like a flame instantly put out in just one blow. I could not believe what I just heard. One second I was just sleeping from a long day at work and now there I was awaken by the news that he's gone. Packing my things to go home that morning, setting aside all that was black and white in my closet, was probably the longest, most grueling moment of my life. All I could think of was 'how could this be real'.

The days of the wake went slowly. Everyday just crying my eyeballs out in front of my father's casket, thinking why he had to go now. I still had so many plans. I had no idea what life would be without him and to not have him to talk to when I needed advice.

Now that I look back to it now, I know in my heart why it had to happen and why it had to be at that time. Here's a few lessons that I gathered so far:

1. Stop wasting your time. Be present, show up.

Years ago, I had a friend who died from a vehicular accident and it was so sudden that I never got the chance to talk or hear from her even for the last time. And for several years, I had this regret in my heart for cancelling out on a meet-up (just about a month earlier) which turns out to be what would've been our last time to see each other. It pains me how I took for granted that one opportunity to catch up and talk to her.

Yes, life can be busy and distracting. We think we need to focus on "important" meetings and events whether at work or school. But after that experience, I learned to value time with my family and friends. I always make it a point to show up and catch up even if it means just a short 15-20 minutes of my time. I never miss the opportunity to share a kind gesture or reach out to anybody just to let them know that I care. There won't always be second chances.

Oftentimes, the only time we have is now. If there's one thing that my father's death has taught me, it's this: we think we have time but the truth is, we don't. Tomorrow isn't promised so value the time that you have today.

 

2. Let God direct the plans for your life.

He is the road map that you need to follow for your life.

As I said, I still had so many plans laid out for me and my dad. But then it's God's way and not our way that prevails. After my dad died, I realized that I was following this road that I created for myself. I was securing all these goals, I was making my own plans to please people and to reach other people's expectations. I kept praying to God to guide me but then I never really heeded his advice. It's like I was stalling on what He was telling me to do. I knew I was supposed to be headed for a different direction for my life at that time. But then I was like "God, maybe not now. Maybe later."

I thought I had complete control of my life, and that I could stop Him from what He intended for me to do. But I was wrong.

My father's death was like the "car crash" that I needed to stop me from this fast-track route that I was on. It made me look into my life from a different perspective and made me think about where God is in all of this. Where is God in my life? At that time I realized I have put God in the background. I was painting a perfect life without Him. And I realized that a life apart from God will look perfect, but it will never feel right.

3. Sometimes you need to take your "training wheels" off and continue the race on your own. You're stronger than you think.

I really, honestly thought I could never make it without my dad. I always ran to him for advice, for comfort, for everything. And to not have him around, I was literally lost. I felt like I wasn't ready to be strong and independent. I never thought of myself as someone who was wise enough to stand on her own decisions and strong enough to make her own life-changing choices. But then when my dad died, I was left with no choice.

No one was there to back me up, to speak up for me when I couldn't, to cheer me on when I was afraid. I had to step up and become this woman that my father had always brought me up to be-- strong, wise, and independent.

4. He's only gone physically, but his teachings, advice, and memories will always live on and will always be there.

Words from my twin during my father's final service:

Daddy, we will live and live life to the full. I will not talk about all the things I will miss. Instead, in every time I will miss you, I will transform myself all the more to be like you. So that in the end, I will miss you but at the same time also see you in me.

The memory of our parents will always live on as long as we live in the ways that they have taught us. My father was always known for his humor, and also his compassion towards those in need. His life was proof that no one is beyond God's grace, as he was also healed from a troublesome past life. He always reminded me that life is made of different seasons, there are ups and downs. And whoever you meet in those times, always treat them with dignity and respect because life goes on full circle.

5. Everything heals. Give yourself some time, all the time you need, to heal.

There was nothing I could've done to stop my father's death. If it's time, it's time. It was hard to accept at first. I must say, there was a point during the wake that I was so confused and I questioned God's ways. And so, I sought the council of so many of my Christian friends, including my twin sister and cousins. I wanted to understand death and why it has to happen. I wanted to understand why we have to lose the people we love. I wanted to know where my dad could be now, could he really be at peace? Is he certainly in a better place now? Thankfully, God's word always satisfies. And it made me value the beauty of life, and made me long for the eternal joy and rest that we are all promised.

You won't ever "get over it". But you will be at peace soon enough knowing that they're now free from this world, and eternally rejoicing in the presence of our Savior. Take your time to heal. Don't rush it, and don't mind the people who keep asking if you're "getting better" or if you've "moved on". It will always hurt to not have them around anymore. But hold on to this hope:

We don't see the end of the road, but God does. We trust Him for what we can't see. Trust that He is bringing you through it. 

Suffering is unbearable if you aren't certain that God is for you and with you. But He is.

In all of life's seasons, He is in control.

On a lighter note:

here are some of my dad's photos that remind me of the fun and colorful life he had.

Just keep the faith.

Love,

Lora 😇