How to be better, not bitter

'Be better, not bitter.' is what I always say. The right man will always think you're enough and worthy of affection and loyalty. Any guy who treats you otherwise, obviously does not deserve you. Kesyo, you have to be like this and that just so he'll stay with you. Or worse, he constantly does things that upset you. If you've gone far enough to leave such a guy, then congratulations! Consider yourself freed! Haha.

But break-ups can be devastating. It's easy to get caught up in what's in front of us and miss the bigger picture. We all have our ways on how we get over this dark and difficult phase. And it's easy to go down the graceless route especially if it's from a toxic relationship. But I tell you, there are better ways to get over a break-up!

1. Cry until you couldn't cry anymore.

You might be thinking, ummm, how is this 'graceful'? Well, you should allow yourself to grieve. After all, you still spent so much time and emotion on this. However, give yourself some sort of deadline like two weeks or so. And promise yourself from that day forward, you won't ever let a single tear fall from your face again!

2. Do what you love!

More often than not, toxic relationships are so full of petty restrictions rooted on either lack of trust, selfishness or insecurity. You might not have recognized it then but you should be able to see them now that you're apart.

Like:

1. how he wanted you to keep your hair long and straight even if you wanted it cut short and curly.

2. how he was always dictating what you should wear based on his preference, which made you miss out on all the fashion trends you would've wanted to try.

3. how he made you choose between him or your  career/career growth.

4. how you're not allowed to go out with your closest friends because he thinks it's unnecessary.

The list goes on and on. But those are gone now, so go ahead and do what you love!

Spend time with friends and family

 Dress up and do your make up

Eat up on all your favorites!

On second thought you might think: 'maybe he only wanted what was best for me'. Well, the right man would know that you need some space to grow and you need to experience new things in order for growth to happen. And he'll also be so secure with himself that he'd trust you enough to let you do your own thing and make your own decisions.

In short, he'd treat you like the strong, independent woman that you really are.

3. Try something new, change your routine, avoid contact.

People often think that the one who avoids contact and cleans up everything (e.g. blocking/unfriending on facebook, deleting photos, messages, etc) is the one who's bitter. Well, I say, it's the one who's brave.

For me it means that you're really serious about this break up and that you have no plans of ever looking back on anything.

It's bad enough that you allowed such a toxic relationship to happen, why else would you want to have anything to remind you of it? It's forgive and forget.

You should try new activities that can challenge you and keep you busy. Who knows this might be your avenue for further self-improvement.

1. You can try a new hobby (photography or calligraphy sounds nice!) or sport (swimming perhaps?).

2. You can learn a new skill (e.g. cooking, driving) or even a new language!

3. You might also want to join a volunteer group in your community.

4. You might even consider getting a pet puppy! That should keep you super busy.

The options are limitless and it's only up to you to choose.

As much as possible, avoid entertaining questions from people who ask about 'what happened'. More often than not, they're only curious and not really concerned. Save yourself form constantly repeating the sad story that you're trying so hard to forget.

4. Channel your inner Girl Boss!

Now the fun part! When you're done crying, eating, running around to keep busy and finally able to say to yourself that you're a little over it, then you can start writing your new plan for the future. Reflect also on what you need to work out with yourself or what aspect that you want to improve.

You're a strong independent woman. Don't forget that!

I'm pretty sure you would've wanted to include him in your plans but that's over and done now. So go ahead and list down how you picture out your future to be-- with or without a man. Again as I said, the right man would be supportive of your dreams and would be more than willing to help you achieve them. If he can't do that for you, then you should think twice. And also, learn to do the same for him too. Look for a partner in everything.

5. Take your time.

I know this sounds cliché but it's worth it. Follow your own pace and don't give in to other people's pressure. If you're not yet ready for love, then say you're not yet ready. The right man can wait and will wait for the right timing. He's definitely not the one who would suddenly sprung up and act like your knight in shining armor while you're still crying over your recent break-up. That's an opportunist, not a gentleman. The right man would want to make sure that neither of you is rushing into the relationship. Great things take time and he knows that.

Focus on the long-term solution and the bigger picture. Don't settle for temporary relief.
And remember, there's plenty of fish in the sea!

Love,

Lora